Real Housewives of the OC, the bathroom, part deux

Sorry this is so late in coming--I actually couldn't tear myself away from Inauguration coverage (GOBAMA). I just knew Bravo would back down from the "implied pending date rape" they left us at last week. Know how I knew? Before watching one scene from tonight's episode, I went to www.bravotv.com and what did I see? Tamra posted her blog (as per usual) mere minutes after the show aired. Makes you wonder why last week, she waited until Friday afternoon of a long holiday weekend?

Before getting to the show, I have to share this with you---I am shocked at the balls on Tamra and Simon. On her blog, she actually links to the site where Simon is selling his tequila. Not bad enough, a quick gander at his site and that jerk has a photo of the dinner party under the "News" section on his tequila. Ballsy. Check it out. http://tequilaelcondeazul.com/News.html Nothing sells a new brand of tequila like ambiguous attempted date rape......where can I get me some of dat??

Okay, now on to the show....

It starts out with the vulgar scenes from last week, but with an add on of sorts. Last week, we just saw Gretchen leave the room with Ryan close behind. This week, the scene expands to show Tamra and her daughter in the kitchen (noted last week and highly objected to by me). This week, we also see Simon is there and there's a lot more interaction with Sydney (I think that's the daughter's name) and Gretchen asks aloud, "Where's Spencer?" I am guessing that's Tamra's other son...because surely, all the kids should be a part of this heartfelt family scene. Gretchen keeps calling out, "Spenceeerrr...." and she turns to Ryan and says, "Let's go find Spencer." They leave the kitchen together (which Ray Charles could have seen, yet Tamra's voiceover insists that they disappeared and she has no idea where they'd gone. As NeNe would say, "Suspect.")

It's after they leave the kitchen, that we hear the spliced line from last week where Gretchen announces, 'I have to go potty.' Closed bathroom door and lots of last week's dialogue that we all heard before the "To Be Continued" screen. Now, it's just more painful back and forth of a slurring Gretchen insisting they can't make out and Ryan with his constant, "Why?" DUH!

Gretchen keeps telling him to go "out there" and creepy dumb ass keeps asking, "Are you sure?" Gretch tells him she can't make out with him because he's Tamra's son and he persists..."Just one peck?" Even blasted drunk Gretchen says, "Nice try." Desperate, much?

Ryan finally leaves the bathroom, looking defeated and creepy and soon after, Gretchen stumbles out. APPARENTLY, nothing happened, but not for lack of Ryan's trying (and trying and trying....)

Gretchen returns back outside, with her shadow, Ryan, close behind and Lynn expresses her concern. Tamra's voiceover says that Simon offered to call Gretchen a cab and Ryan offered to take Gretchen home, but Tamra put a kibosh on that. End of drama.

Next day shows Lynne, in her kitchen, with her youngest daughter. Apparently this episode has zero appearances by Raquel and a day without Raquel, for me, is a day WITH sunshine. Anyway, Lynne is a sweetie. She calls Gretchen and gets her voicemail. realizing Gretchen probably has the hangover from hell, she leaves a very motherly and nice voicemail. I like Lynne.

Good God...now we need to wallow in Jeana's depression and we're still hearing about Matt. Apparently, Matt has found an apartment and is in the process of moving out. Jeana's whole segment--pity party, table for one..traipsing through the empty house, feeling sorry for herself. Of course, that could only be followed by a visit from the trainer and more excuses about how Matt is to blame for Jeana not working out and criticizing her weight. It's apparent Jeana is carrying a ton of extra weight--but does she have a backbone to support it?

Just when I thought I couldn't feel lower, who has to show up in the episode? Tamra. Mother of the Year is hosting a kids pool party. By the looks of her chest, she's wearing permanent floating devices. Who else would you invite to a children's pool party, but childless Gretchen, who shows up with her two DOGS in tow. Fantastic. According to Tamra's voiceover, she recalls Gretchen saying she wanted children and really, how better to learn than inviting her to your house to witness how you supervise a pool party with your slutty friends and cocktails in hand?

Now for the "fall off the couch moment" of Tamra's stupidity. More voiceover crap--"There's a big part of me that really, really likes Gretchen, she's a fun girl. More than anything, though, I feel sorry for her. Gretchen might be a little bit envious of where I am....in my life....and I think it's time that she stops the partyin' and gets serious."

Bwahahahahah!! Where to start with this gem?? There's a big part of her that really, really likes Gretchen? So it's just the itty-bitty part of Tamra that just last week wanted to show the "dark side of Gretchen" and get her "naked wasted."

She thinks Gretchen is envious of her?? Other way around, doll. YOU couldn't be more jealous of Gretchen--her youth, good looks, and the real money she has access to--your husband is unemployed and using the RHofOC to hawk tequila that caused a scandal!

You think Gretchen should stop the partyin'? You have a decade on Gretchem you cow. In last week's blog, Tamra blamed her Indian heritage on her inability to drink and vowed to stop drinking altogether. I know this show is taped months in advance, but the pool party scene was taped not long after the tequila-naked-wasted party and what is that in Tamra's hand by early afternoon? Yup, a cocktail. Go figure!

It wouldn't be a pool party in the OC unless we could hear more than we wished we knew about boobs and boob jobs. Big shout out to CJ, Tamra's friend, who remained nameless in the scene until Tamra' mentioned her new boobs. Way to go, CJ!! And it bears repeating--what is up with the two basketballs Tamra has stapled onto her sun damaged chest? I know she claimed to have had a reduction last year, but I'm calling shenanigans on that...in fact, I'd put money on an augmentation. Her breasts are downright scary!

Now that you have the brain-scarring image of Tamra's fake ones in your mind...enter RYAN at the kids pool party. I'd say you can't make this stuff up, but clearly you can since this show does every damned week. Jeez--Gretchen and Ryan both at a party aimed for 7 year olds. What's the chances...?

Tamra admits that Ryan only came by because Gretchen was in attendance sand she says that he was trying to pick up where he left off. Gretchen, in her interview, says that as far as Ryan hitting on her or whatever people told her had happened at the party (before the season aired so definitely before the viewers were outraged) she says, "IT DIDN'T HAPPEN, I wouldn't let it happen." Uh, okay.

Of course, we have to hear the heart warming story that Ryan has been hitting on Tamra's friends since he was seven. What a child prodigy!! She managed to slip in that when he was 7 and she was a single mom and had a roommate who was a stripper. Hmmm. I wonder if she and her roommie were also coworkers??

Now for my favorite part of the entire show!! I posted, a few days ago, the scene of Vicki stumbling at the LeTip party and it's a classic. As much as I enjoyed rewinding the DVR scene of Vicki vs the nerf football at Havasu, this is 100 times better. Enough with the damned WOO HOO crap. I absolutely delighted in Vicki's fall from the platform. Gravity is NOT Vicki's friend.

The party was at Jeana's house and it's not like she hasn't been there before or the step was just installed. Vicki's son and his girlfriend could hardly contain their glee when they saw it happen. Bravo showed it THREE times, back to back and two were slow-motion! Donn's commentary was priceless and then the awesome flashback to the nerf incident followed. Comedy gold!! Vicki's reaction to Michael and his girlfriend, just after falling, "Ok. Let's go into drink mode." LOL.

I know I read somewhere that Lynne was a jewelry designer who specialized in making bracelet cuffs. It so disinterests me, but now that I like Lynne (and I'm not being subjected to Raquel this episode), I can forgive the boring spotlight the show is throwing on her. I would never pay $300 for an accessory made famous by Wonder Woman, but that's just me.

The show picks back up with Jeana and Gretchen going out to lunch alone. I don't know--seems like an odd pairing. When Jeana isn't being all mopey, I like her, but she and Gretchen are polar opposites. I was really surprised when Gretchen brought up the drama of Jeff's ex (he has had 5 wives) turning up at Jeff's hospital bed, all the way from Michigan, without so much as a phone call. Leave it to Jeana to play devil's advocate. True, this ex seems to have been the mother of at least one of his children, but it's not like the ex drove in from a neighboring town--this woman flew cross country. This didn't sit well with Gretchen, who apparently voiced this to the ex wife and of course, Jeana thinks Gretchen shouldn't have defended herself or her position.



Gretchen nails it when she says it's hard to get close to Jeana because she pretends everything is good and happy and that there isn't anything bad in her life. Despite the front Jeana is putting up, though, you can plainly see the misery and the extra weight so I don't know who she's fooling....

Oh, God. Another manufactured scene of an "activity" set up by Bravo so we can put the Housewives in a limo and send their somewhere to build a storyline and film the group together. I am aggravated about having to watch stupid Vicki, in a limo, trying to get wireless for her laptop, when you just know she is cruising TMZ or some gossip site and not doing a shred of work.

The upside to this limo excursion is that Tamra isn't there. The housewives banter that Tamra might be pregnant (oh, please, no) and Vicki says she can "guarantee" Tamra isn't....I have no idea how she can issue that type of guarantee, but okay.....

Vicki is slightly less obnoxious when Tamra isn't around and there's a lot less tension. Whatever tension there is, however, gets directed at poor Lynne. I admit that it's beyond bizarre for any person to set up an "office on wheels" on a commute to a girl's day out at Fred Siegal. When Lynne makes light of Vicki's intensity, Vicki snaps, "It's a waste of an hour, being in the car, if you can't do work." Jeana jokes that she's sitting next to Vicki and she's afraid that she'll be asked to do secretarial duties. Lyne pipes in, "I'll play your secretary," to which Vicki issues the slapdown. "No, I need people who really know how to work though." Ouch. Then, we see Lynne's interview and as she recounts the vicious remark, she holds up her middle finger (bolded) and keeps it up for quite a while, in a salute to Vicki. YOU GO, LYNNE!!! My new favorite housewife!!!

A boring trip to Fred Segal, and a tour of fancy vibrators, was almost enough to put me to sleep. The only fun thing about the trip was that Lynne dropped off her business card with the jewelry manager to try to get them to sell those hideous cuffs. Ironic since Vicki spent an entire on camera interview talking about how Lynne has no focus and what she does isn't a JOB, it's a CAREER. Look who is able to sell things without obnoxiously typing in the limo and ramming her business down everyone's throats? Touche, Lynne.

Shopping was followed by lunch and it was awkward. Clearly Vicki does not like Lynne and generally that brings out Jeana's passive aggressive side, where she will not stick up for Vicki. I don't know what happened at this luncheon, but as usual, it left me feeling embarrassed.

The topic of conversation is Jeff's will. Apparently Gretchen is paying the bills while Jeff is sick and although she's a realtor, she can't work because she spends nearly every day at the hospital.

This is all TOTALLY up Vicki's alley because she's in insurance. She knows all about beneficiaries and pay outs and it becomes an interrogation. Jeana offers that you need to "make him sign something." Lynne was totally taken aback and clearly uncomfortable, not so much with the topic, but with the greed and pushiness of Vicki and Jeana. She gently tried to interject that money shouldn't be the focus and you would have thought, instead, that she had killed Vicki and Jeana's pets. Seriously.

Most shocking was Jeana's suggestion that Gretchen just go ahead and get married. To Jeff. In the hospital--problem solved. Who are these women? And as poor Lynne tries to deflect the naked greed, Vicki says, "Don't be confrontational." Vicki's constant commentary, calling Lynne rude, announcing that the wind has been sucked out of her fucking sails, and finally, 'She's a NUT--am I the only one seeing this?' Yes, Vicki, you are......Lynne is harmless and dim, but the word NUT is reserved solely for you.

In the end, though, Bravo editing gets Vicki again because in contrast to all the ugly things she said to and about Lynne and how Lynne didn't have a career...it turns out that Fred Segal did end up calling Lynne and asking to do a trunk show at her house and agreed to buy some pieces. I wish, though, that when Lynne had the jewelry buyers at her house that she would have used glass instead of plastic cups...but in the last minute of the show, she zinged Vicki. She said it was Vicki's comments that had lit a fire under her to succeed and she wanted to make Vicki a cuff of her own, but......she wasn't sure if it would have horns or not. And then she laughed. TAKE THAT, BITCH! Vicki and all her delusion and thinking that she doesn't have to "accept" new castmembers...it's about time someone put that cow in her place!!

I cannot wait for next week because the previews were fierce!! Vicki, in a bar with strange men saying her "boobs want to come out and play." HAHAHAHAHA! Watch what happens.....

And that's why I am Bravo's bitch. They have sucked me back in. Again.