As much as Simon van Kempen makes me itch....

Okay, as fake as I know these two are...and as much as I skeeve when I hear Simon mutter, "feel the heat," while being massaged (and I do!!)

I am so loving the digs he takes at the faux NYC Housewives on his blog (Bravo only publishes the HouseWIVES so Simon has his own outlet) here: http://www.mccordvankempen.com/blog.php

"Real" Housewives of NYC

I had so many posts dedicated to the antics of those crazy Orange County Housewives, yet I can barely type a write-up on the Housewives in my own city....of NYC.

Unlike 90% of the blogosphere, I CANNOT stand Bethenny Frankel. God help me!! I can't stand her shrill voice or her corny second-hand lines that she passes off as her own. For example........"Check yourself before you wreck yourself." Sure...we *ALL* know Ice Cube uttered that phrase in 2006. Right? Cough, cough?

Apparently not. Bethenny used that in the final show with Andy Cohen and the cast cracked up. This week, in cast blogs, not only does Bethenny recycle it, but Jill uses it.

I find Bethenny soooooo annoying and so self-congratulatory that I find the show hard to watch. I am ever so grateful that Bethenny owned up to throwing up in her own mouth over watching herself, on this week's episode, talking about how envious others are of her....because we were all feelin' it.

Weakly, she wrote, that she didn't realize how that would play out. Uh---I can never see how it would have played out well. Patting yourself on the back that hard? Yeah--we weren't envious. Trust me. We were all feeling badly for you and luckily, you did catch on. (We wanted to tell you to "Check yourself, etc.") I am 99% sure Luanne was dubbed "Discountess" somewhere else before Bethenny STOLE that one-liner.

I like Jill. She's a busy body and I think either Bravo should give her gay boyfriend, Brad, his own show or cut him lose. He sucks the oxygen out of the show. I know Jill's daughter was in Paris, etc, but we do *NOT* need a sub-plot of Ginger (her dog) or Brad. Her husband, Bobby, is awesome and we could use more of Gloria, her mom.

What we could use a whole lot LESS of is the "Zarin fabrics," multilevel chocolate diet scheme, your Ebay site, your sister's radio show, your "Team Jill" tee shirt tie in, and every other link you can possibly put on your blog!!! This is a mindless tv show---not an infomercial for every business endeavor you have ever considered. It's a recession and we are home watching Bravo because we do NOT own homes in the Hamptons. Just stop!!

Crazy-eyed Ramona has never bothered me. I find her amusing and I like Mario and Avery. In real life, I'd avoid Ramona like the plague, but since she's part of the show, I watch her and I love her Hamptons house.

Luanne? Luanne, Luanne, Luanne. Goodness gracious. Telling the pizza delivery guy that you are a COUNTESS? Ridiculous. As ridiculous as chastising Bethenny last season for using your "real" first name with the limo driver. Luanne--you are the Count's THIRD wife. Get over yourself. We have *ALL* read about you in the NY Post for your drunken and cavorting escapades so drop the etiquette crap. See where E-T-T-I-Q-U-E-T-T-E bullshit got Tamra and avoid that pitfall. You are setting yourself up for a huge fall and the other castmember's blogs are showing you up.

I totally discount AlexandSimon. Yes, they are one word. They're fake to the extreme and the beauty is that they are clueless that this show (their vehicle to SOCIETY) shows them up as frauds so I watch and laugh that fake laugh as they expose themselves (and much more when Simon wears his speedo). Their kids are terrors that I hope I'm never seated next to on a small airplane.

And that only leaves Kelly Killoren Bensimon, whose arrest I dedicated at least three posts to this week. She is soooo mannish and in light of the whole Chris Brown/Rihanna crap, she should be held to the same standard.

As for the broad shoulders and the fake uber-educated prose blogs she posts? Yeah--thanks for the rundown this week on everything that happened since you last wrote? I was sure bored to tears with the detail----------------until I realized you left out the whole ARREST thing that happened. Try again, doll. True? Yes, your booking sheet actually indicates you ARE a man!! It was a mistake, but an understandable one at that. At what was it you said on camera about "Kelly-time?" You said that mean something FUN was gonna happen. Did you mean a smackdown? Was your boyfriend sporting flesh wounds and that can only mean...."Kelly time?!?"

Here in Manhattan, no one who is really "high society" would ever consent to these camera crews and crazy editing. Ditto on the West Coast (and clearly in Atlanta). It makes for good basic cable TV, but these divas let the "fame" of basic cable get to their heads---and THAT it why it's fun to watch!! Further, I read a blog Bethenny submitted to Huffington Post last week (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bethenny-frankel/the-business-of-reality-t_b_172147.html) What's so funny in reading her post, in earnest, is that this shrill bitch *STILL* doesn't get that the joke is on her.

Absolutely, I will still DVR "The Real Housewives of NYC." It's mind candy. Empty calorie tv, by definition....and watching these ladies take themselves so seriously is incredibly funny. They can write all the "CYA" blogs they want....the joke is (and always has been ) squarely on them.

Chelsea Lately

I so rarely watch E! Network (okay, except for watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians.....which is so awful I can't *not* watch it). I saw the season premiere of Keeping Up with Kim & the Gang, but I was distracted while it was on so I rewatched it tonight and left E! on.......

You'd be surprised at what happens when you leave on a station you wouldn't normally watch. I SWEAR Chelsea Lately said Jason Mesnick used to sell cell phones in the mall and he's flat broke.

Did anyone actually see this show.........or am I hallucinating??

Alex McCord loses her job at Victoria Secret

I was just reading an update on Kelly Killoren Bensimon and the charges against her for battering her boyfriend (uh, allegedly) and I found out that Miss Alex McCord (other half of AlexandSimon) lost her job. Oh no!! How ever will those two be able to afford the clothing shopping sprees and enjoying St Barth's (off season)?

If I had to guess, they will just drop the renovation plans on their townhouse and continue to live in the shambles they did last season.

More on Kelly Killoren Bensimon's arrest

This comes right from NYC's favorite tabloid/newspaper of record when it comes to gossip--The NY Post--and funny enough, it's the newspaper where Kelly used to have a column:

She's a hissing, claws-out socialite on the hit Bravo reality show "Real Housewives of New York City," but Kelly Bensimon turned into a butt-kicking boyfriend beater in her posh lower-Manhattan coop last week, court records claim.

The 6-foot-tall, 40-year-old former model, horse fancier and one-time marathon runner got into a fight last week with her boyfriend, 30-year-old Nick Stefanov, and clocked him, giving him a black eye and opening a blood-gushing gash on his left cheek, according to the records.

Stefanov fled her apartment on Centre Street after the Tuesday-morning beating and reported the mother of two to cops at the 5th Precinct station.

A source said Bensimon at the time was sporting "a fat lip."

Bensimon surrendered two days later and was charged with misdemeanor third-degree assault. She's due in court March 31.

"We got engaged a couple weeks ago," Stefanov told one friend. "We got into an argument that escalated and escalated. She hauled off and started swinging. She got a lucky punch on my cheekbone and just split it right open. I went down to the police station covered in blood."

Stefanov declined to speak directly to The Post, but told pals he went to his hometown of Pittsburgh because he was embarrassed to be seen in New York with a black eye and cut face.

"If I had done it to her, I would have been put in jail immediately," Stefanov told his friend.

"My injuries are worse than Rihanna's - and Chris Brown was charged with two felonies."

After dating Bensimon for nearly four years, and being a surrogate father to her two daughters, taking them to soccer games and ballet classes, Stefanov isn't ready to end their relationship.

But when he got back to New York a few days later, he learned there was a restraining order that prevents both parties from contacting each other.

"I sent her an e-mail, and the cops called me and said you can't do that," Stefanov told a friend. "It's snowballing into something no one ever intended."

Bensimon's lawyer, Stephen Turano, called the charges "unfounded."

A Bravo spokeswoman said the show "doesn't comment on the private lives of our talent."

An e-mail to her ex-husband, fashion photographer Gilles Bensimon, who is the father of the couple's two daughters, was not returned.

Kelly Bensimon ran the New York City Marathon in 2007, wrote a book on bikinis and was a columnist for Page Six Magazine.

She also modeled for Elle, Mademoiselle, Cosmopolitan and Harper's Bazaar, and was the face for Clarins.

http://www.nypost.com/seven/03102009/news/regionalnews/beau__i_got_a_wife_beating_158911.htm?CMP=EMC-email_edition&DATE=03102009

Kelly Killoren Bensimon arrested for hitting her boyfriend!

Wow. This is big news in NYC....it's even on the front page of the NY Daily News. Here's the article http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2009/03/09/2009-03-09_real_housewives_of_new_york_city_star_ke.html

I have to say that I really don't "get" Kelly as an addition to The Real Housewives of NYC. I watched one episode where she tried to explain her job as "The Socializer," or whatever her job is. She flits into Hamptons parties, takes some photos with guests, proclaims the party "foxy," and skips away.

There is something very masculine about her build. I sure wouldn't want to take a sucker punch from her! Anyway, I you know you're news when Regis mentions you at the top of "Regis & Kelly," and that's how I first heard about this. Not good.

One thing of interest--she is 10 years older than her punching bag, I mean, beau...Nick Stefanov.

JASON MESNICK--awesome Youtube video--as you've never seen him before!!

This made me laugh HYSTERICALLY. I was so glad to be home alone when I viewed it because I am sure I couldn't explain to anyone else how funny I find this video!! Pay special attention to the EYEGLASSES and the second photo....is that a man-perm gone wrong?? Thanks to whomever posted this on Youtube. I am sure I'll reference this post for days to come when I need a good giggle!!

Melissa Rycroft to join "Dancing with the Stars"

Well that was quick!! Melissa, formerly engaged and dumped by Jason Mesnick, has signed on to the show "Dancing with the Stars" to replace Nancy O'Dell from Access Hollywood, who was injured during rehearsals.

Melissa may have an advantage, having been a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. I could have *sworn* she said on Ellen Degeneres's show that her reality tv show days were behind her. It is a girl's perogative to change her mind---so what's Jason's excuse??

Link to NY Daily News article http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2009/03/08/2009-03-08_the_bachelor_exfiancee_melissa_rycroft_t.html