The Real Housewives of OC The Girls Want to Come Out and Play

This week, I was a little overtired and maybe cranky about how "the housewives" seem to be astute enough to judge each other's children, but not their own. For example, Vicki was finely tuned into how rude Shane is, but just a few episodes back, her son, Michael, was evil in the way he made fun of Jeana. When Colton tells Jeana not to have ice cream, Vicki insinuates he should have his face slapped. I wonder what she thought when she viewed Michael's pool party and his trashing of Jeana?

Jeana is judgmental about Lynne's daughter, Raquel, drinking, but oblivious to what Vicki so keenly saw as misbehavior and rudeness from her two sons. I guess it's easier to find fault with kids who aren't your own??

So, this week starts off with Vicki and Jeana visiting Chicago for a multi-purpose trip. Vicki wants to see her high school friends, Jeannie and Tracy, and Jeana wants to take Vicki to see Shane play at Kane County, about 35 miles away.

As usual, Vicki wears me out. She was clearly glad to see her high school friends, but all the talk of "my people" and "thank you for loving me" is exhausting. It was funny to hear Vicki sound so disconnected to Orange County, especially when she said how few friends she has in California. To hear Vicki explain it, "Either other girls are jealous or they don't like me." I am guessing the latter....

Vicki, Jeana, and Vicki's friends sit outside to have a glass of wine and Vicki goes on about not wanting to ever be in a nursing home. Who even contemplates this stuff? Anyway, one of the funnier lines of the evening went to Jeana who imagined being old with Vicki and hearing Vicki say, "Get your ass, pick up your teeth and let's go." I'm sure Jeana is pretty close to on target with that one.

Back in Orange County, it's facelift day for Tamra's mother, Sandra. I can't help but feel sorry for Sandra....she is only 16 years older than Tamra, but she does look quite a bit older than that. Of course, that may be because she is sitting next to Tamra who has one year old boobs, recent filler in her lips, extensions which are a few months old, and probably no parts older than a few years. It's hard to see Tamra as more than the sum of her "parts."

Next it's Lynne and her daughters at some spa that is apparently in a strip mall somewhere. It seemed anything but relaxing with the aesthetician chomping on gum as she applied gel and heat to Lynne's poor face and with Raquel blabbing on the phone and sending numerous texts.

This week, Gretchen is in San Diego to check out a fitness club where she and Jeff may become investors.

Let me first say that I have no problem with the "gold digger" angle to Gretchen and I am the first to step up and defend her about the "naked wasted" cocktail party, but I can't stand the little girl voice or the constant sexual innuendo from Gretchen. I guess that's her schtick, but it's annoying as all hell. If you want to be taken seriously as an investor, drop the sexual double entrendres and the giggling. PLEASE!

Apparently, the concept for the sports club is "nightclub meets fitness." Okay. Fast forward to Gretchen in work out gear for a private pilates lesson. As she bounces up and down on the ball, she laughs and guffaws and says, "Hmmmm. This reminds me of something."

When she lies down on one machine and the instructor straps her feet in, she comments, "Jeff would be really excited about this right now." We're all sure he would be--if he weren't in the hospital, ya know, dying of cancer.

Then of course, the ever-obvious, sitting on the rowing machine like a cow girl and whooping, "HEE HAW!" It's great to be fun and flirty, but it gets to be grating when that's all there is....

Back to Chicago and a night out at Armand's, with a special appearance by FORMER OC Housewife, Kimberly. Vicki continued to suck all the oxygen out of the air by proclaiming these were "her people" and how much she just loved her old friends. I distinctly heard a "Kum Ba Yah" thrown out by Vicki and I felt nauseous.

A very awkward conversation about premarital sex ensued, with Vicki, taking the moralistic high road that she doesn't believe in it. Kimberly and Jeana disagree so Vicki throws Jeana under the bus by announcing that Jeana allows her kids to sleep with boyfriends/girlfriends in her home when they are 16. Jeana was obviously not happy with that remark and have a big old, "Hello, what happened to we're not going there?"

The waitress comes over, just in the nick of time to tell the ladies that, "The gentlemen at the bar would like to buy you a drink." Naturally, as I guessed before the show even aired, that it wasn't a random stranger. It turned out to be her friend, Tracy's husband, Bob Quinn.

High road on the premarital sex issue aside, in Vicki's book, it's perfectly fine to sit on the lap of your friend's husband and announce, "My boobs want to come out and play." Surrrrre it is!! Jeana had another witty line when she told Vicki, "You are molesting your people."

Back at Tamra's, her brother, Kenny, has come by to visit and brought all the old snapshots from when they were kids. A near-tears Tamra, in her interview, explains (again) the TRAUMA of her parents divorce. When she was **25!!** Come on. Boo frickin' hoo. I'm not completely unfeeling, but 25 isn't exactly an age of naivety where this should be a profound sorrow. Why? Because before her parents got divorced, TAMRA was divorced. She should put herself aside (as if) and think about what impact HER divorce had on a very young (and now CREEPY) son.

Another oddity from this scene was Tamra was saying how she plans on seeing her dad in Iowa to mend fences, etc. Then she lets it drop that she hasn't seen him....in 7 months! Considering he's in Iowa and she's in California, I'd hardly call that an estrangement. Seven years? Sure? Half a year--15 years post divorce? She's milking it for dramatic value and so Bravo can expense her trip. Sorry, Tamra, you're just not that good of an actress.

Back in Illinois, Jeana and Vicki are on their way to Kane County for Fan Appreciation Day. In the car, Jeana learns that Shane isn't slated to play in the game and he doesn't want her there just to watch him sit on the bench. The BIGGER picture, I'm sure, is he doesn't want the freakin' Bravo FILM CREW to watch him sitting on the bench. That..I can understand.

The text messages he sends Jeana, though, were beyond harsh. "You'll regret bringing them here." "I swear to God, you guys will regret it, stay the fuck away from here." "I'll never talk to you again, if you come to the game." These missives do little to deter Jeana (and film crew + Vicki) from going anyway. On a side note, I'd love to know what tranquilizers Jeana is on....

After parking the car, Jeana and Vicki make their way onto the field where the team is greeting the fans. Shane takes one look at Jeana and says, "Get the fuck away from me."

Vicki was shocked to see Shane address Jeana that way. Says Vicki, " If my kids ever talked to me that way. I'd slap their face. Period." Somehow, I know she means that.

Jeana takes it in stride..."Well, that's kids. He's grumpy, I guess. He has a lot of pride. It puts pressure on him to have his mommy in the stands."

Ozzy, the team mascot, approaches the duo. Vicki shrieks, "You smell....are you hot in there?" and Jeana acknowledges, "The mascot was happier to see me than Shane was." Shayna, Shane's girlfriend, should really look at how he treats his mother and RUN!!

In the 3rd inning, Vicki lets out an obnoxious "Wooooo" because Shane is coming up to bat. I half wonder if it was because the Bravo film crew was taping...

A vendor approaches Jeana and Vicki offering some kind of ice cream dots and of course, Jeana orders some. Colton, who is sitting behind his mother, reminds her of her diet. It was just last week that a melancholy Jeana complained to her trainer that no one in the family supported her diet. I didn't blame Colton for taking a stand....but Vicki did!

Very firmly, and in quick succession, she utters, "You can't boss your mother around"

"You really gotta stop."

"You're being seriously really rude."

Colton then says, "I don't see why Vicki butts in." To which Vicki replies, "Wow. He needs a slap across his face, doesn't he?" Whoa!

Shane hits a triple and then this fun loving group is off to go and have dinner together. YAY! That oughta be fun.

I make no excuses for Shane....but I had to agree when he said, " I'm gonna have a headache after all you guys." These women (especially Vicki) have no concept of using "indoor" voices. They yell, shriek, and WOO HOO at full volume. That's about where Shane and I part ways, though. He tells Jeana, "You're lucky I didn't throw a bat at you when you walked on the field." When Jeana explains she went because it was Fan Appreciation Day, he corrects her and says, "Yes, an appreciation for fans, not psycho moms."

Somehow, the creepy conversation that started at Vicki's friend's house about nursing homes and "pulling the plug" resurfaces and Shane tells Jeana in an eerily calm tone, "I wouldn't wait to pull the plug, I'll wheel you out right now." I think it was Kimberly who asked why he would say something like that and he answers, "I'd have more money." hahahaha. There was something very unnerving about his delivery....

Back in Orange County, Lynne has decided to host a cocktail party and she has invited the Housewives and her beach friends. Vicki is conspicuously absent. At one point, Lynne comes over to where Gretchen, Tamra, and Simon are congregating and she offers to refill Simon's wine. As she walks away, he exclaims, "She grabbed my ass!" I don't know if she did--Lynne seems to have a dry sense of humor--but it was hilarious all the same.

Lynne initiates a toast to Tamra, the hottest housewife. In her interview, Tamra is beaming as she recalls, "Lynne toasted me as the hottest Housewife and Gretchen backed it up." Flash to Lynne's interview where she dryly says, "We can just let Tamra think so..."

Back to Tamra's interview where she continues, "I don't think there's any argument as to who's the hottest housewife. We're ALL the hottest housewife. You're only as hot as you feel and I am ON FIRE!" Good Lord. The joke truly is on Tamra.

It can't be a COCKTAIL party in OC without Raquel, the booze hound, sneaking drinks in plain sight. Raquel and 4 of her blurred faced cohorts show up in party dresses and start inhaling cocktails. Lynne's policy is, " I can't condone her drinking, but that's just how teenagers are and we were all teenagers once." Actually, Lynne needs to stop letting Raquel guilt trip her about her former drinking as a teen (when, by the way, 18 was the legal age).

Jeana wanders out to the balcony where Raquel and her blurry pals are imbibing and Jeana learns that Raquel attended Laguna High School for freshman and sophomore year, but transferred to "Access at Horizons" for junior and senior year. Jeana knows this is a school for kids with discipline problems...(which makes Lynne's permissiveness even more incredible). Raquel explains that she went to college, but dropped out and when Jeana asks her about her interests or getting a job, Raquel blows her off. Jeana, straight-faced, says in her interview that she doesn't believe in giving kids a free ride and if Raquel doesn't want to go to college, she should be working. Period. And so the episode ends with one Housewife, oblivious to the shortcomings of her own kids...perfectly willing to dole out advice on another's kids.

Next week, the group heads to Vegas. According to Tamra in the previews, Lynne and Gretchen get crazy on the dance floor and Tamra proclaims that it's "disgusting." Seems like the pot calling the kettle black, but my DVR is set....