One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, four

Wow. This episode was 72 hours ago already and I can't stop thinking about it--and not in a good way.

Anyone who is reading here already follows this show and I wonder if anyone else is as stunned by the turn this dinner party took?


(As a complete aside, at this late date, Tamra just posted her blog at Bravo and it's her usual "editing" whitewash http://www.bravotv.com/Real_Housewives_Of_Orange_County/season/4/blogs/index.php?blog=tamra_barney&article=2009/01/wives_gone_wild and for the full he said/she said, here's Andy's blog saying it wasn't just editing http://www.bravotv.com/blogs/Andy/index.php?article=http://www.bravotv.com/blog/andysblog/2009/01/andy_on_andy_1.php Andy's blog is usually pretty good, but gets less than 10 comments a day. After this episode, last check, he had 195 comments )

We start off with Tamra taking an etiquette class. If it weren't so badly needed, it would have been funny. Instead of learning--and there was a huge learning curve--Tamra decided to mug for the cameras and show her vast ignorance of eating utensils. With her husband out of work and Tamra not having a job, I guess BRAVO paid for this excursion as a storyline. It was money wasted. The excuse for Tamra to take this class was because Simon is British (who knew?) and he supposedly has good manners. Once I quell the vision of his doing beer bongs on Lake Havasu, I will try to convince myself of that.

Another cast member who could use etiquette lessons decided instead to go "drunken bowling." If it weren't for this kid getting a CAR for her birthday, I'd chalk this up to "kids being kids." I'd care less about their drinking if they were safely in someone's home or if Bravo showed a cab ferrying the kids home. I guess they thought the disclaimer they flashed at the end, about not condoning underaged drinking and a commercial from MADD, would suffice, but it only served to piss me off more. By the end of this wretched episode, I'd nearly forgotten about Raquel and her blurred out friends.

Despite her maternal shortcomings, I liked seeing Lynne with her hubby, having dinner. Lynne needs to worry a lot less about calories and a whole bunch more about the two bottles of wine that went "missing" from her house (Hmmmm. I wonder where that wine went?)

Raquel may think it's cute to announce her former stealing and drug problem and mug to the camera that at 17/18, she likes to drink, but at some point, her friend's parents and future employers won't be laughing. Lynne should step up as a MOM and not a friend.

Vicki and her visit home? Come on! What hillbillies set bonfires with gasoline and rags? Ha! Not to mention that gas was hovering near five bucks a gallon last summer when this was taped? Jesus. WTF was wrong with her brother's friend, Chuckie???

I guess the apple doesn't fall from the tree since this was my first time seeing Vicki's mother, Joanna. Apparently, mom doesn't want to visit California because when she does, Vicki is too busy for her own mother. When Vicki complains that her mom buys gifts for her brother and sister, Joanne says it's because the other kids need her and Vicki explains that she needs the affirmation more. I'd agree with that after watching Vicki bully her daughter, Brianna, last week into saying she loved Vicki more than her pug. Vicki is an endless pit (or empty "love tank," ahem) that will never be full.

To add to the madness, when Vicki tells her mother she loves her, Joanne answers, "Thank you." This sets Vicki off. I have to imagine Joanne knows Vicki and I have to think she knew this would push that needy button on Vicki...anyhow, it worked.

I don't know why we couldn't untangle ourselves from the awfulness that is Vicki's mother, but we were tortured into finding out that Vicki is hoping mom will start dating again and when given the phone number of another guest's dad at the bonfire from hell, Joanne made a big production of putting the card in her bra. Again--apple not far from the tree. Thankfully, mom doesn't WOO HOO.

I almost felt bad for Tamra as she planned a formal dinner party to show off her "skillz" she learned (or didn't) in etiquette class. I wasn't watching Bravo when Brian Malarkey was a contestant on Top Chef, but his food did look amazing. I know, just from the trip to Napa that Vicki doesn't like seafood so I was surprised Tamra planned a menu that you just knew she'd complain about....but honestly, Simon took the reigns in planning the party and Tamra was little more than window dressing. I did laugh, however, at her contribution of swiffering in her party dress, before the guests arrived and her assessment that the oysters weren't just more than a party in her mouth, but that they were, in fact, better than a beer bong. You just know that Etiquette teacher is somewhere in the OC rolling her eyes.

Suddenly, we find out that Ryan has completed bartending school and he will be working the party as a bartender-helper. Just two weeks ago, Ryan was dropping his idea of becoming a cop...I guess he's on to bigger and better careers. (Side note: according to Brian Malarkey's blog, which is posted on Bravo, he claims Ryan never served one drink the entire night. I tend to believe the innocent bystander to this train wreck, Brian http://www.bravotv.com/Top_Chef/season/5/blogs/index.php?blog=brian_malarkey&article=2009/01/16th_minute_of_fame ).

The guests begin to arrive and Gretchen is feeling down because Jeff told her earlier in the day that he just wanted to come home to die. He was tired of fighting the cancer. I know some people (Tamra, I am looking at you) think Gretchen is just a gold digger, but regardless, Jeff's illness has to have taken an emotional toll and we see it even before the party begins. Tamra announces that she wants the party to be elegant and all about lighting, scents, and fire--or as she says, "All the beautiful things in this world." To her credit, it does look nice from the outside.

The ugliness started early. Tamra and Vicky had nicknames on their place settings--"Hotness" for Tamra and "Woo Hoo" for Vicki. When Gretchen asks about hers, Simon announces hers should be "Greedy Gretchen." And we're off.....(Tamra tries to backtrack in her blog, but her voiceover at this point is, "You're a gold digger. If you walk like a duck, you are a duck." Apparently, Tamra doesn't realize she is a bitch and a crappy hostess. )

Tamra makes a toast to the group and says she doesn't just think of them as friends, she thinks of them as family. To punctuate this point, she "forgets" to clink glasses with Lynne and her husband, Frank. This doesn't escape Lynne, who realizes she is little more than furniture to the senior ranking housewives.

Vicki's voiceover then announces, "I think the most obvious pothead is Lynne. Lynne just seems too carefree to not be high."

Nice...or maybe, Vicki, it's that Lynne isn't hopped up on the diet pills you are hawking all over the internet and screaming, "WOO HOO!" It's not like this is Vicki's first season on this show--those interviews and voiceovers get aired and I wouldn't want to be slandering my neighbor like that, but okay....Vicki followed up her insensitivity by saying Grethen likes to be the center of attention (pot calling the kettle black) and that she doesn't care about Gretchen so why does it have to be about Gretchen. How's that for compassion? And yet this beast wonders why she needs to strong arm family members into saying they love her?

I was surprised to read that in this economy that Simon voluntarily left his job to start a business venture (?? that doesn't sound right) and at dinner, we find out he is involved in a tequila company. Ryan, the bartender who served no drinks, turns up at the dinner table with a tequila shot for Gretchen and he tells her to "take it down." It is then that Tamra lets Vicki in on her plan....to get Gretchen wasted...naked wasted. She adds, "We're going to try to make her do something stupid." True, Tamra had also imbibed quite a bit at this point in the party, but watch the inserted voiceover. Tamra says that Gretchen only wants you to see her in a good light, but there's a part of her that has a dark side. I wonder why it's only TAMRA'S dark side that appears to be shining through? Tamra says she's not sure she can trust Gretchen and that she's the kind of person who believes in your actions and not your words. I fear the audience will say the same of Tamra's actions. Unintended consequence.

During the dinner, Tamra calls to Ryan and informs him that Gretchen needs another tequila shot and in another damning voiceover, Tamra smugly says, "Tequila shots always lead to bad behavior." And so they do.

Dinner soon became full-blown ugly. Gretchen was, as intended, very drunk. She was silly and acting sexual. Tamra says that once Ryan's bartending duties were done, his chair was pulled up pretty close to Gretchen. Even without Brain Malarkey's account, the dinner guests were the only people at the house and they were nearly through with a 7 course meal so how did his bartending duties just...end? There was a sommelier pouring wine and truth be told, I didn't see Ryan bartending on camera, aside for fetching the tequila shots his mom ordered for Gretchen.

Jeana, bless her heart, kept taking the full drinks from in front of Gretchen, but with Ryan in between them, somehow she kept ending up with more drinks. As Lynne told Gretchen not to drink another shot of tequila, we see Tamra elbow her to stop the protesting. Tamra explains to the dissenters that poor Gretchen has been all about the hospital and no fun and she needs this. Nice sentiment, if Gretchen weren't in the company of a hostess with alternative motives....

As Gretchen slurs on about how she's been on her rear end in a hospital and you see what you turn out to be. With that, to my sheer disbelief, Ryan flashes "the shocker" at his mother! Too graphic to go into, but google it. Ryan has a creepy affect to begin with and a fucked up relationship with Tamra since she carted him off to his grandparents so she could marry Simon, but does she have any idea what that hand symbol means? Clearly he wasn't at the party to bartend and Tamra's jealousy has been at the boiling point since Gretchen turned up and dethroned her as the hottest housewife, but would this hot mess of a woman really engage her son in this plot to show a national tv audience "the dark side of Gretchen?" Why can't I doubt it?

Simon, he of the manners Tamra needs classes to emulate tells Gretchen to "stop grabbing yourself and do the damned shot." Tamra tells Gretchen to look out for Ryan because he's a "man whore." This is some family dynamic.

As the party wraps up, Jeana and Lynne are exchanging concerned looks. Ice Queen Vicki has another take. For the second time since the party started, she has a voiceover and she reiterates, "Gretchen likes to be the center of attention and...don't we all?" In one of the most disturbing moments, Ryan and Gretchen are standing in front of the bar and Tamra is somehow just within ear shot when her name is mentioned. She scurries around the corner as Gretchen and Ryan are talking about whether she's hot. Gretchen tells Tamra that Ryan said his mom was "a little hot." Tamra is so grateful for the compliment and she explains that Ryan always says she isn't. Ryan takes full pleasure in telling his mom that "Gretchen is hotter, though," to which Tamra hangs her head in defeat as both women hang on Ryan's arms. There is something NOT right with the mother-son dynamic. Just, ewwwww.

Frank and Lynne offer to drive Gretchen home, but Tamra insists Gretchen will be staying at their house. According to Tamra's voiceover, they were all in the kitchen and then "all of a sudden, Ryan and Gretchen were gone." This was all filmed and I can promise you, Gretchen wasn't going anywhere quickly or quietly in her condition. You can clearly see Gretchen leave the kitchen with Ryan close behind. MOST DISTURBING, though, is Tamra's young daughter is also in the kitchen. How many weeks do we have to tune in to see Tamra's younger kids witnessing her MOM'S bad behavior?

The last scene is the most disturbing and unsettling. Gretchen, who is full on slurring, is telling Ryan that she "has to go potty," and he's telling her, "Come here." She says, "You can't hug me and you can't kiss me, and you can't make out with me." We hear Ryan ask, "Why? Why?" Gretchen is barely intelligible when she answers, "Because I am engaged to a very nice man." He replies, "hey, can I have a hug?" she says, "You totally are a cute guy." Ryan answers, "Oh yeah? How cute," and she replies, "You totally turn me on."

The screen goes black and in big letters, "TO BE CONTINUED"

I hope this is a case of needlessly bad editing, but even if nothing further happens, this show went too far. These ladies are mean to the newest housewives and I would be ashamed to be related to any of them or call them a friend. I don't know what they get paid to humiliate themselves, but their best laid plans of setting each other up only serve to knock them all down.

Besides drawing viewers in for Bravo, who is well served by this show? Gretchen, whose fiancee is now dead, but his kids have been on the show and are well aware of it. What must they think? Tamra's young kids....their teachers and friends' parents? Simon--using this as a launching pad for the now infamous tequila? Vicki! How does her business do when her clients see her as a shot-drinking, woo hooing, oxygen thief who bullies her family, husband, and friends? Jeana also runs a business and and kids who have been involved in this show. Is it worth whoring themselves out, a la Lauri, who left earlier this season, yet bragged about being a "reality show star?"

In the preview for next week, we see all of the housewives except Tamra, having lunch (she must need a brush up on her mad etiquette skillz). Vicki is talking at Lynne and when she attempts to answer back, Jeana interrupts her. Jeana's voiceover says "You don't step on the mama dogs." Get over yourself, Jeana. This bit about "we've been on this show longer and we haze new housewives" is bullshit and FYI, mama dogs are also known as bitches and that's precisely what's wrong with this show.