The Real Housewives of Orange County--Are we there yet?

Welcome to another episode of the Real Housewives of Orange County. I can't believe next week is the SEASON FINALE. It seems like this season went so fast!! Luckily, the NYC previews look fantastic so my Tuesday nights will still belong to Bravo.

In the latest evolution of Vicki's EMPIRE, she has established "Life with Vicki" and Life stands for "Living Inspired & Fully Engaged." This endeavor includes seminars at sea. I just know that if I were on a boat with Vicki and unable to escape, I'd jump overboard and take my chances in the ocean. Vicki claims she has a gift for teaching others what she knows and anyone who has watched five minutes of this show knows she TEACHES others what she knows constantly because she knows it all.

As if reading my mind, in Jeana's private interview, she says if she were at sea with Vicki, she'd be glad for the small lifeboats because she'd use one to escape (or as she pronounced it, "ixscape.")

"Poor Donn," as I seem to invariably call him...foolishly believes that this cruise isn't just about work, but also about relaxation. Ha ha ha. Donn is seen at the first day's cocktail party, smiling and laughing, but you just know Vicki will SUCK the fun out of the cruise for him. Vicki also mentions that she paid the way of Michael and Michael's friend, Rees, and she sees this cruise as a mentoring opportunity.

This boat has a rock climbing wall and Vicki decides to climb it as an inspiration to Michael--to show him that the sky is the limit. As she watches someone else climbing and propelling back down, she is already shrieking. This oughta be fun. She lectures the guy in charge of holding her rope that she doesn't want to go wild on the way down. Or the way up. He yesses her to death and even after she is ready to start, she continues to tell him how to do his job.

As expected, Vicki shrieks and yells the whole way up. As Rees tells Michael, "This is too good." On a catty note, I hope Vicki doesn't try to use this footage to further the sales of the diet pills she's always hawking on her blog--the short shorts were not very flattering (although, for a woman of 46 or 47, I guess she's not in too bad of shape). As Vicki continues her piercing screams, Michael calls out, "How are your acrylics holding up?" I do not see Michael or Rees being particularly inspired by this activity.

Safely back on solid ground, and chastising the rope holder for letting her come down too fast, Vicki scans the crowd and asks, "Where's Donn? He never saw me climb the wall." Flash to Donn, sitting at the bar, enjoying a Corona with lime...the way a cruise should be enjoyed.

Over at Jeana's, Kara is returning to Berkeley, which provides tons of opportunity to take shots at the bums who live near Berkeley, the people sitting in the trees naked, cafeteria food, and any other criticism that is sure to ingratiate her to her Berkeley neighbors and classmates.

This week Gretchen is in Dallas, Texas to spend some time with her girlfriends from college. Jeff is back in the hospital, which gives Gretchen the opportunity to skip town. I totally defended Gretchen's choice to go to Bass Lake and I was luke warm about her running off to Vegas with the other housewives last week, since Jeff had only just been released from the hospital. It's none of my business, but is going to Dallas to see college friends entirely necessary? Maybe Jeff's kids are still in town and he won't be alone in the hospital, but my "Gretchen-love" has waivered the past few weeks.

For example, in the very first episode, we saw Gretchen and Jeff at the mall jewelry store and Jeff surprised her with a bigger stone for her engagement ring. Since her ring arrived in the mail, the tale has grown that she "designed" her engagement ring! That ring is NOT one of a kind. She may have "chosen" the band or the baguettes, but no way that woman "designed" that ring....

So, back to Dallas, Gretchen and four of her galpals are reliving college memories for the cameras and catching up on who's had babies, etc and Gretchen is just "taking a break from the stress at home." Again. (See, I am bitter...)

Tamra, Ryan, and the smaller Barney kids are off to Cedar Rapids to see/confront Tamra's dad. Simon had to stay home to do some work--which could only mean he's working on selling tequila on the internet. Tamra's dad, Frank, lives with his girlfriend, Amilia, who is NOT the hottest housewife in Cedar Rapids. Dad and Amilia's house was destroyed by the flood so they are in the process of rebuilding and it's a work in progress.

For the 800th time this season, Tamra tearily reminds the viewers that when she was **25**...her dad divorced her mom and six months later, married her mom's best friend and this, somehow, has ruined Tamra's life. I definitely appreciate the irony that by the time Tamra's parents split up, she had gotten married, had Ryan, and gotten her very own divorce. (She also dumped Ryan with her mom and dad, conveniently, when she met Simon, but with that glaring hypocrisy aside, Tamra is clearly pissed about her dad's choices).

Back at Jeana's, Frankie joins the road trip to Berkeley. Kara mugs for the camera that she anticipates it will be an awful seven hour drive from the OC to school. Poor Frankie sits in the backseat as Jeana and Kara trade insults about who is a worse driver (really--it's a tie, they both are apparently terrible drivers).

Back at sea, Vicki and her family are enjoying a nice fancy dinner so Vicki has to ruin it by reminding everyone that it's all about work and she tells Rees and Michael that she expects them to attend all her meetings the following day.

Because all of the other Housewives are out of town, Lynne and her husband, Frank, decide to get away for a romantic weekend and they head to Loews Coronado Bay Resort in San Diego. It just struck me as funny that Lynne and Frank pull up to the fancy hotel in their HONDA, meanwhile, alcoholic, non-working wild child Raquel drives a BMW, courtesy of Mom and Dad. Their room was truly beautiful and when they said "oceanview," it almost had a better view of the ocean than Vicki's cruise.

Frank arranges for a romantic dinner on the balcony and they begin by pondering what "the girls" are doing at home, in their absence. Back at Lynne's house, we see Raquel and Alexa playing cards with Raquel's friend, Ali, whose face is usually blurred out because she participates in Raquel's underaged drinking escapades. I guess she thinks we don't recognize her. The fact that she's not blurry now tips me off that this must be a sober party. In her personal interview, it seems Raquel was counting on having fun while her parents were away, but she was surprised to learn Grandma (Lynne's mom) would be babysitting. GOOD MOVE!

At least Lynne recognizes that her kids need supervision and so far, her mom is doing a better job than she and Frank. Lynne laments how hard it is to raise teenagers, but she is always quick to point out that she was a teenager once, too, and she knows what it's all about. Frank tries to make an analogy about raising kids is a lot like steering a car. That must remind Lynne of something because she interrupts to say she has some bad news about the car to tell him--and you just know that it has to do with Raquel and the car they NEVER should have bought for her. To tell you the truth, after rewinding the DVR three times, I am still not sure what Lynne was saying about the neighbor having a Winnebago and Raquel's rearview mirror tapped something, but some whole piece came off....and as I was trying to get my mind around that description, she throws in, "Oh, and I found cigarettes in Alexa's purse. Again." Huh?

Frank says, "I don't think she smokes," and Lynne agrees, "She must be holding them for someone else." What? Wasn't that a Brady Bunch episode back in the 1970's? Who would HOLD cigarettes for someone else? Especially if this isn't the first time Lynne has found them? Alexa, in her personal interview looks right at the camera and admits, "They didn't belong to any of my friends. They were mine." Alexa seems like such an honest kid. Why are the parents making excuses for Alexa when she doesn't make excuses for herself??

Grandma lets the girls bake cookies and brownies and make milkshakes. They feel like they are in heaven because Lynne is always telling them how fattening food can be and how certain clothes won't fit them if thye eat. I like Lynne, but she should stop throwing her insecurity about weight and food/body image onto her healthy daughters.

Back in San Diego, it's nice to see that Lynne and Frank still have a good marriage after 18 years, but Frank lost me when he asked Lynne to do a pole dance...I failed to notice the stripper pole in their $1800 a night room, mostly because I'm sure there wasn't one.

Enroute to Berkeley, Jeana and Kara stop at Frankie's house of furniture that he uses for staging houses he's trying to sell. He has some really nice pieces!! Anyway, this semester, Kara is living off campus and Jeana feels the need to emphasize how SECURE the building is...again, taking a shot at Berkeley.

At the Osaka Japanese Steakhouse in Cedar Rapids, Tamra is going to dinner with her dad and Amilia and some extended family that she didn't know she had. Nancy is a cousin that Tamra hasn't seen since she was a small child and Tamra says she "fits right in the family." The only resemblance I could notice was bottle blonde. Ryan immediately bonds with long lost cousin Nancy by telling her that lately he's been attracting much older ladies and here's where I saw the family resemblance--Nancy puts her arm around Ryan and draws him close and seductively tells him, "That's because they just want to take care of you." Ryan kisses her on the cheek and Tamra chastises, "RYAN, she's related to you."

Nancy continues by over-sharing, "I like 'em high and tight. That's why women like them young boys." Ryan replies, "I love her." Tamra and her dad look disturbed by that branch of the family tree.

It gets worse. Nancy tells Ryan she has a mouse and she points towards her hip. He asks, "Where?" She repeats, "Right here," as she pulls her shorts further down. Ryan tells Nancy that he doesn't see anything but underwear and classy relative of Tamra announces the punchline...."Pussy must have ate it."

Mortifying as that display was, Tamra uses her personal interview to point out that the age difference between Ryan and Nancy is a good 25 or 27 years. KIND OF LIKE GRETCHEN AND JEFF . Yeah, Tamra, just because you and Gretchen don't have any scenes together this week, clearly you can't get beyond your bitter jealousy of Gretchen--oh, and please note, age difference aside...I am pretty sure that Gretchen and Jeff aren't blood relatives. Nice try on the smoke screen, but it's clear that your son has all kinds of problems!!

Jeana and Kara take some time off from setting up her new (and very SECURE) apartment to tour the streets, in search..apparently...of bums. They walk around and say, "There's one....oh, there's another one."

Somewhere out at sea, it looks like a beautiful, sunny day, but no one at LIFE with Vicki seems to be aware. Nope, Vicki is having her all day meeting indoors and this group might as well be in an elementary school classroom in a landlocked state. What a waste. The funniest part is Vicki bloviating that there are 100 people at the seminar and for the next cruise, they are expecting a minimum of a THOUSAND people...but as the camera pans the meeting room, there appear to be (maybe) eight people attending this boring seminar about Vicki's life as a single mom and how she became an insurance mogul. (Notably absent--Michael and Rees--and actually, anyone related to Vicki).

The audience begins sharing their backgrounds and by far, the best story came from a girl who was a stripper in Las Vegas. *HER* story blew Vicki's right out of the water....literally....but leave it to Vicki to remark, "Well, if you can get one more stripper off those poles, you're doing the right thing."

Gretchen and her girlfriends are meeting for cocktails and two of her friends bring their newborn babies. They discuss Jeff and his health and Gretchen is hopeful that he will get a bone marrow transplant. She adds that although she feels bad leaving when Jeff is sick, he and she decided from day one that he was diagnosed that they would both live their lives to the fullest. That's the first she's mentioned that mantra...seems like she would have thrown it at Tamra at Javier's when Tamra criticized her for going to Bass Lake?

It's Day 3 of Vicki's cruise and people seem to be having fun in the sun on the deck, but Vicki is pushing her own hot air by lecturing her students that "all I do is change lives and give people purpose." My Gosh--she's like the OC version of Mother Theresa!! As Vicki's partner, Mike, drones on about how he met Vicki...most of the class seems catatonic. Vicki scans the room nervously--and clearly--looking for Michael and Rees. During a break, she summons her long suffering assistant, Danielle, to bring Michael to her and Danielle explains that he's wearing a football jersey. Vicki says she doesn't care--he just NEEDS to be at her seminar. In that dark windowless room, damnit!!

At 4:00, as the meeting is wrapping up (and surely, the sun is going down), Michael and Rees show up in basketball clothes and sit in the last row. Passive aggressively, Vicki tells Michael that she hasn't been able to find him all day and he says something about he was busy eating sushi (ha--for 8 hours) and she persists by asking why she couldn't find him and she tells him that she wants him to attend the underwriting seminar, which is coming up and lasts about an hour and Michael is clearly begging off.

Vicki continues to the point of embarrassment of trying to twist his arm--fully aware that it's on camera and expecting Michael to acquiesce. He tells her that she's putting him on the spot and she nods her head and says, "That's what I do." Vicki tries all kinds of guilt, but Michael isn't falling for it. In Vicki's opinion, she's disappointed that her family isn't supporting her business when she feels her business supports all of them.

As Vicki goes into her underwriting meeting, we see Donn, Michael, and Rees at the pool bar. They are comparing notes on how "unsupportive they have been." Michael asks Donn how he escaped going to the meetings and Donn truthfully admits, "I'm probably going to catch the wrath of it later." I'm sure they all will.

In Cedar Rapids, Tamra finally wants to address what she calls her "abandonment issues" because her parents got divorced. When she was 25!! (I can't get over it!!) Tamra and Frank have some alone time by a river with some Coors Lights and Tamra strolls down Memory Lane by recalling what a great dad Frank was when she was a child and played sports and how he'd always come to her games. (Be careful, Frank, she's reeling you into a trap with this crap!!) In Frank's defense, he recalls that Tamra's mom wasn't a happy person and Tamra chimes in that she felt her mom was "emotionally unavailable." I guess it really WASN'T such a shock that Frank left.

With that resolved, Tamra is quick to point out that Frank's second wife (her mom's best friend) didn't like the kids and that left an estrangement, which he readily admits. Tamra turns on the waterworks and I really feel sad. For Frank. It's a no-win situation for him. (Of course, he is divorced from wife number two so I don't understand why she needs to hash this all out with him). Saddest of all, Tamra's final analysis of her father is that "he's weak....he's a weak man." Frank apologizes for allowing his bad decisions get in the way and he reassures a crying (but tear-less) Tamra that he loves her and nothing (and no one) will come between them again.

Jeana's back in the OC and it's her birthday...and this year, she has a DATE! Colton helps her decide on which dress to wear and he's totally supportive of his mom, which is nice. The big surprise is that the guy is Alan, who is the father of one of Shane's teammates and they met during a rain delay at one of the games in Chicago. Alan is from out of town (actually, Texas), but Jeana is okay with that. The show ends with an unnecessary cliffhanger. A stretch limo rolls up and the mystery date is holding red roses, but his face isn't shown. The screen goes to black with big white letters, "TO BE CONTINUED." I'm really glad Jeana has a date, but is it really that suspenseful??

Next week is the season finale....and it looks to be a doozy. Lynne wants Raquel to get a job, Vicki seems to be flirting with a man, right in front of Donn, Gretchen shrieks, which causes Vicki to accuse her of being an attention stealer and I swear I saw....Jo and Slade. Say it ain't so!! Will those two PLEASE get off my television??